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COMMUNITY NEWS (Cont.) |
The Prater's Creek Gazette 22nd Issue Summer 2009 Page #3 |
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Town To Hold 4th Of July Picnic
Local Banjo Player, and Ex-Presidential Candidate, Turns Down Obama Cabinet Position. New President Peeved
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed the numerous offers and the rejections. "The president, he's mighty P.O.'ed" said Mr. Gibbs. "He needs Uncle Carl to join his cabinet, or the plans won't come together. He'll just have to lay that five string down for the next seven years." President Obama has flown Air Force One over numerous Drovers' shows to, in Gibbs' words, "impress upon that hillbilly that the federal government trumps bluegrass rights." South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has made numerous speeches at local barbeque joints and tree stumps. "Why, I invited Uncle Carl to a tether ball party I was having. Uncle Carl, he's a real good tether ball player you know" Governor Sanford told The Gazette. "Oh yeah, yeah, fine tether ball player. Well, were having a good time playing tether ball, eating barbecue, and Uncle Carl was even trying to show me how to play the banjo. Then my bodyguards got word that the President's big ol' airplane was gonna fly over." Air Force One's pilot flew low over the party, but was smart enough to fly just out of range from the many trailer parks in the area, and the squirrel rifles of said trailer park's residents.
Internet forums have been
burning up lately with talk of the root of President Obama's anger at
Uncle
"Yes" Press Secretary Gibbs said at a recent press conference, "President Obama was an avid tetherball player while still an undergraduate student at Yale, but he never played Uncle Carl, or more importantly never lost to Uncle Carl at tetherball. On this day in prater's creek historyOn this day in history in Prater’s Creek, in 2006, Dee Chappell, who is now known as "Cousin" Dee, clogged for the first time onstage during a performance by The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show. Cousin Dee wore a black sequined outfit and danced to "Cherokee Shuffle", and earned the right for her name to be in green ink in this publication. After the performance Grandpa realized that when Cousin Dee said she was a sophomore in school, she meant college and not high school as Grandpa thought, and he allowed himself to fall for her. Well, he already fallen for her, but he admitted it out loud after finding out she was over eighteen. Fire Station To Have Fried Pork Chop Supper The Prater’s Creek Volunteer Fire Department will be having a pork chop supper on August 7th, from 5pm to 7pm, to raise money to buy a fire truck. Plates are $4 for adults and $3 for children under twelve, and include pork chops, mashed potatoes, black-eyed peas cooked in fatback, and fried apple rings. Chief “Flint” McCalister said his band, Flint and The Flattops, would be providing the evening’s entertainment. The fire station is located on Stewart Gin Road. Local Celebrity Uses Controversial Gregg's List To Try And Find Work Even though State Attorney General Henry McMaster has been making headlines lately while doing battle with Gregg's List, local celebrity, and man about town, Don Massey is using the Internet want ads to try and find employment. Below is Mr. Massey's ad. Hi, Don Massey here. As some of y'all may know I won a best supporting extra award for my role in the smash hit Leatherheads (at 21 minutes 18 seconds into the flick). And I've also appeared in the Denny's commercial as the "Nannerpuss". I am a graduate from the Jack Dodson school of acting in Mount Airy, NC. If'n anyone is interested in hiring me for commercials, tv, films, or homemade movies-you can find me hanging out at the corner of Maple and Stewart Gin Rd. betwixt the hours of 2-4 on Tuesdays. Thanks!! And Grandpa, of The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show, has placed an ad also. Below is his ad. Looking for the cutest girl in the world, brunette, 4'10", around 85 pounds with adorable little space between front teeth, and smile that will melt even the coldest of hearts. May be wearing taps on shoes, Her name is Cousin Dee. if anybody knows the whereabouts of Cousin Dee, please let me know. "I'll Fly Away": Obama Swatted By Uncle Carl
President Obama, with all of the major issues you have to deal with, and with your supposed intellect, I, as an American citizen, would hope you'd quit worrying about swatting little defenseless insects and concentrate on the two wars and the struggling economy. Why, if we here Prater's Creek worried about them little bitty flies y'all have up there in the big city, we'd never get nothin' done! With all the cow, pig, and horse manure we have in this area, the flies grow real big. We don't even notice 'em, unless they get so big you just have to rassle 'em and remind them who's on top of the food chain in these here parts. Heck, we had one fly into the side of the barn and nearly knocked a whole wall down. Last year we had a really big (even by our standards) green fly get into Grandpa's still! Whooo-eeeeee, we had a time! That giant fly buzzed the crowd at the American Legion Post baseball game, scaring folks have to death, then went and knocked over Farmer Jones' silo. He terrorized this town till he finally passed out out in a field and we let the town's children beat it with sticks. So, Mr. President, your little fly problem ain't nothin' to worry about. Local Musician tries To Locate Future Wife Dr. Ignatius J. Trundell, of The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show, is trying to locate "Cousin" Dee Chappell, who, according to the bandleader, is "the purtiest little gal I ever laid eyes on". Cousin Dee used to clog as part of the show at the Pumpkintown Mountain Opry. "Why, her dancing to our music is the highlight of my long career in this crazy ol' music bidness" Grandpa told the Gazette. But, nobody has heard from her in months and Grandpa "misses her sumpthin' awful" When asked about wanting to marry a girl who is less than half his age, and a cousin to boot, Grandpa replied "Hey, I am a musician from Prater's Creek!". If any reader knows how to get in touch with Cousin Dee, please contact The Gazette. Below is a picture of Ms. Chappell.
Cousin Dee |
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The 108th Prater's Creek 4th of July
Picnic will be held on the town square. There will be bluegrass bands all
day with a brass band playing at 7:30pm, followed by a firework show. "We
got the same folks as last year, the finest fireworks crew under the table
money can buy to set off the fireworks display." Last year a controversy
erupted when it was discovered that the fireworks experts were illegal
Mexican aliens. Half the town didn't want the illegals to be allowed to do
the work, and the other half of the town just wanted to celebrate and see
some things blow up real big. Mayor
Jones could not find another reputable fireworks crew, that wasn't already
booked for the holiday, and it was determined that the town would have to go
with crew of illegals that were already booked. When the final barrage of
fireworks lit up the summer night sky, and a sparkling, pyrotechnical, red,
white, and blue American flag floated aloft, from behind the fireworks control center,
"The Star Spangled Banner" was being heard sung in a heavy Hispanic accent.
first it was the Widow Barnshock who started singing along, then Todd
Livwright started singing too, then Jenny Heart and so on and so on until
the entire town joined in and by the time "the rockets red glare" came
around there wasn't an unmoved soul in town.
Uncle Carl, banjo player for
The
Drovers Old Time Medicine Show, was offered a position in Barrack
Obama's administration, but politely turned the offer down. "I just had to
tell him that I didn't have the time to devote to it, what with
The Drovers
playing as much as we do" Uncle Carl told The Gazette. "And I told him and I
told him, but the man just wouldn't 'no' for an answer".
Carl being not only because Uncle Carl turned down the President's pleas to
join his Cabinet, that it was also tether ball. It cannot be confirmed at
the time of issue, but there has been scuttlebutt out on the web that
Uncle Carl
trounced Obama at tetherball back when Obama was still at Yale.
President Obama's recent killing of a
helpless fly has outraged all of the PETA nuts, er, I mean, members.
Uncle Carl, of The
Drovers Old Time Medicine Show, who has been at odds with the
President (see above
article), issued this statement, through The Prater's Creek Gazette: