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Hillbilly Horoscopes

The Prater's Creek Gazette

13th Issue Spring 2007 Page #5


ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL19) You’re gonna find yourself working in tight spaces and with limited funds. But once you run off a gallon or two, you can afford to move your still out of your mother in-law’s basement.

TAURUS (APRIL20-MAY20) If you wanted to, you could book a work or social event for just about every night. But you’re trying to clean up your reputation of being the town tramp. But, by cracky, you wanna show off them new dentures!

GEMINI (MAY21-JUNE21) Business colleagues appreciate the way you deliver the goods like clockwork---steppin' up the holler, trying to make a dollar.

CANCER (JUNE22-JULY22) Role models seem bigger than life, especially since Uncle Carl is your role model.

LEO (JULY23-AUGUST22) Romance keeps you floating through the spring. Your accomplishments between now and June will make headlines with your nearest and dearest. And yours and their names are gonna be mud when your mug hits the front page of The Gazette.

VIRGO (AUG.23-SEPT.22) Mercury is in your aura, and in the tuna. Uranus is in Pisces. You are feeling so inspired and creative. This will result in an invention of a lug wrench/bottle opener. You’re gonna get rich.

LIBRA (SEPT.23-OCT.23) You are churning out your macaroni art like never before. You are feeling so inspired and creative. Is it the fumes from the glue or the spray paint? You will sell all of your artwork at the Jockey Lot this Saturday morning. Congratulations!

SCORPIO (OCT.24-NOV.21) You will buy a rooster and some macaroni art Saturday morning at the Jockey Lot. Sunday, when you sober up, you’ll wonder “What in the heck did I buy?” and you’re gonna have a hungry and ornery rooster on your hands. Feed him your art.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV.22-DEC.21) You will wake up from your drunken trip to the Jockey Lot and find the ugliest macaroni art piece hanging on the wall. But you do like the combination lug wrench/bottle opener you bought there.

CAPRICORN (DEC.22-JAN.19) You will have the greatest time of your life when you attend a concert by The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show. Many years later you will tell the band that you and your spouse met at their show.

Faith Healer AdAQUARIUS (JAN.20-FEB.18) Among all the chaos of day to day life- the traffic jams, long lines at the grocery store, all of your work and social obligations- you find a precious chunk of serenity. Everybody’s gone, you got a cup of coffee, and you’re on the throne reading your new Bill Dance Bass Fishing magazine.

PISCES (FEB.19-MARCH20) In this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.

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