Now we have the idiots down at the state house wanting a bill that would allow concealed weapons on our state college and university campuses. Their thinking is that, if a few professors and students would have had guns that April day in Blacksburg, innocent lives could have been saved. Well, that may be true. But what about the other thousands upon thousands of days that you don’t have a mentally disturbed person running rampant on campus? Do we really want a bunch of 18-22 year old college students packing heat? The same people who wring their hands and bang their legislative gavels over binge drinking and high school cheerleaders having sex are probably the same folks who think more guns on campuses will keep them safe.

  I know I wouldn’t have wanted any of my friends carrying a legal gun at our keg parties.

Customer Service In Sanskrit

Every time I call information, or some business’ customer service, I end up screaming into the phone “Get me a human to talk to. A HUUUMAAAAN!!”

These voice recognition systems may work out in the Midwest, where people don’t speak with an accent, but they don’t work for me here in South Cackalacky.

The other day I called 411 to get the number of a BBQ joint. We wanted to make sure it was “all you can eat” night before we drove 30 miles. “Mutt’s BBQ”, I told the system. The droid female voice asks, “that was Winn-Dixie, correct?” Two more attempts with “that was Nations Bank, correct” and "that was something that doesn't sound anything like 'Mutts' or 'BBQ'" and I was screaming "HUUUUUMAAAAN!!!"

I hope when some Italian or Jew from Brooklyn calls these numbers their replies aren’t recognized either.

And I’m really tired of calling AT&T or any company’s customer service and getting some Indian or Pakistani on the other end. The other day my computer was having problems and I called Bellsouth/AT&T’s DSL (Which stands for “Dumb Sh*t Loser", when it comes to their over the phone public relations). Some dude named “Haji” or something was trying to troubleshoot and I couldn’t understand a word he was saying.

I do like the way these customer savants repeat, well the term “config” gets used a lot, each letter and say a proper name. Your regular ol’ American would say something like “that’s C as in Cat, O as in Oklahoma, N as in Nancy, etc.”. Now some Hindu, or other such furiner, might say “That ees C as een Caste, O as een Origami, N as een Nigel, F as een falapa, I as een Ian, and G as in Goiter”.

I really got a hoot out of them trying to use an accent, or an American name, that would make the customer feel at ease. “Oh, thees man ees from Alabama, ok…’Howdy ya’ll, Hank I am, can I plees have the problem which you wish me to be of service to y’all?’”