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Lifestyles
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Dear |
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Ramona |
Dear Ramona,
What do you give a man
for Christmas who has everything?
The Third Wife
Dear Third Wife,
Nothin’.
Ramona
Dear
Ramona,
Last year, on
Valentine’s Day, I told my old man that all I wanted was to hear those
"three words". "What?" he asked, "Git R Done?!"
Ramona, what should I do?"
Frustrated Farmwife
Dear Frustrated,
Fry up some sausage in
big ol’ cast iron skillet, feed it to him, and then smack him in the back of
the head with that skillet!
Ramona
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Bijou
Theater
to
Hold Garbo
Film Festival
 The Bijou Theater
will be holding a Great Garbo film festival the entire month of January.
"Being a hick town", theater manager Lee Reed commented, "we’s too dumb to
realize last September was the 100th anniversary of Ms. Garbo’s birth (see
related article in this issue’s Arts section). So we want to make up for our
mistake and feature some of her greatest films".
Valentine's
Day Dances
To Be
Held
 Cupid’s arrow will be dipped in
moonshine and dripping with barbecue sauce at the Prater’s Creek Lonely
Hearts Club’s "Valentine Vittles and Fiddles Dance".
Dalvin, of The Drovers
Old Time Medicine, promises ‘there'll be lots of waltz numbers" and
Uncle Carl added "Yeah, ‘belt buckle polishing’
music".
Homer said he was
going to "pitch some woo!"
A
more sober Valentine’s Day dance will be held after school over at Prater’s
Creek Junior High where The
Drovers Old Time Medicine Show will be doing a matinee performance.
Russian
Pianist A No
Show
 Ten time Van Clyburn world champion
piano player Igor Hemorroidsky did not back up his challenge to
Cousin Ray of The Drovers
Old Time Medicine. The Russian had declared that he could play
“Orange Blossom Special” faster on the piano than
Cousin Ray could fiddle it. The contest was set for early December
but when the hour arrived there was no Hemorroidsky.
Cousin Ray said, “He’s afeared of me”.
Special Thanks to the staff of the
Historic Hanover House (cc1716) at Clemson University for letting us take
picture of Cousin Ray. Absent from picture was Igor Hemorroidsky.
Cousin Ray's Fiddle is as old as the 250 year
old piano at the Hanover House.
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Sure
Sign That
the
Apocalypse Is
Near
The South Carolina Lottery Commission is
running TV ads about their special holiday lotteries. “Great for gifts!” the
ad says. Somewhere in a rundown trailer park these words will be heard:
“Look! Santa put lottery tickets in my stocking!” or “Honey, here’s your
gift, lottery tickets! I was going to get you that new coat you really need, but I got these for you
instead!”
New
Year's Eve Barn Dance
To Be
Held
 For the 18th year in a row, the New Year will be
brought in to the picking and singing of The Drovers
Old Time Medicine Show. This year’s hoedown is expected to be the
biggest ever. Uncle Curt Creekside will again be roasting a bunch of pig and
Grandpa’s elixir will surely keep the party
f estive. Grandpa and
Cousin Ray have a bet on who’s gonna kiss the prettiest gal at
midnight.
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