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The Prater's Creek Gazette

5th Issue Spring 2005 Page #7

 As Compiled by Sports Editor Bubba McCalister and his brother Dorris

Polecats Coaches Cleared Of Wrongdoing In Steroid Scandal

No Drugs gifThe State Board of Education’s Sport’s Panel determined that Praters’s Creek High School head football coach Dave Keller and his assistants were innocent of giving their players steroids. Archival Irmo High’s coaching staff had leveled accusations about Keller and his Polecat staff. Irmo’s head coach had said “there’s no way them farm boys are getting that big and muscular just off of eating Mama’s cooking! They got to be on steroids!” An investigation was launched by the state school board. “We interviewed some of the players” school board official James Weed explained, “And we did extensive lab tests on the young men”.Booster Club Ad

The tests showed that it was country ham and red-eye gravy that gave the players their NFL size bulk. “Well, we’ll just get our boy’s mothers to make the red ham and country eye gravy” Irmo’s coach said. But one Irmo mom had this to say, “Well, I never! We don’t serve that hillbilly fare in our home. And if my cook, Esmerelda, ever did, I would fire her on the spot!”

Polecat Cagers Forced To Forfeit All Home Games

Basketball gifThe Prater’s Creek High basketball team had to forfeit all of their home games again this year because no team agreed to play on the Polecats’ home court. The school is severely strapped for funds, and has never been able to build a gymnasium. Principal Cluggins told the Gazette that “Being in a low income farming town like Prater’s Creek, well, we just don’t have the money like the other schools do”. Polecat basketball coach Lester “Treetop” Williams said, "We tried to get the schools to at least come play on our outdoor court if it was a warm day, but they wouldn’t agree to it. So we had to forfeit half our schedule.” But the Polecats managed to win all of TRH Construction Adtheir road games and finish at .500, and thus qualify for the playoffs.

The team almost had to forfeit the opening round game of the playoffs when the school’s only bus, a 1959 Ford, broke down. But local bluegrass band, The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show, had a show to do that night in Clinton, so the band, the whole team, and coaches piled into the band’s van and headed to Clinton. The team won that game but lost against Mauldin the next round.

Ashlee Simpson To Sing At Polecat Football Game

Ashlee Simpson, who was loudly booed at this year’s Orange Bowl half-time show, has been booked to perform at next season’s first Polecat game. "She told us she was taking singing lessons and was going to ‘sing real good’ at our game" Principal Cluggins said. "Because we don’t want to hurt her feelings, we’re going to let her sing, but we hired her because we saw a tape of her dancing on Saturday Night Live and we liked the little jig she did. We didn’t know she sang. Well she don’t really ‘sing’".

Principal Cluggins said The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show had already been hired to play the half-time show, but that "Grandpa said she could sing a number with the band". But Cluggins said they are a bit weary about having her associate with the band in light of the band "giving her older sister Jessica all that moonshine a few years back when she was in town to sing the national anthem!" Jessica Simpson’s manager, who is also her father, told The Gazette that "Jessica only used the elixir to get rid of her chronic acne"

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