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Sports |
The Prater's Creek Gazette 5th Issue Spring 2005 Page #7 |
As Compiled by Sports Editor Bubba McCalister and his brother Dorris Polecats Coaches Cleared Of Wrongdoing In Steroid Scandal
The tests showed that it was country ham and red-eye gravy that gave the players their NFL size bulk. “Well, we’ll just get our boy’s mothers to make the red ham and country eye gravy” Irmo’s coach said. But one Irmo mom had this to say, “Well, I never! We don’t serve that hillbilly fare in our home. And if my cook, Esmerelda, ever did, I would fire her on the spot!” Polecat Cagers Forced To Forfeit All Home Games
The team almost had to forfeit the opening round game of the playoffs when the school’s only bus, a 1959 Ford, broke down. But local bluegrass band, The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show, had a show to do that night in Clinton, so the band, the whole team, and coaches piled into the band’s van and headed to Clinton. The team won that game but lost against Mauldin the next round. Ashlee Simpson To Sing At Polecat Football Game
Ashlee Simpson, who was loudly booed at
this year’s Orange Bowl half-time
show, has been booked to perform at next season’s first Polecat
game. "She told us she was taking singing lessons and was going to ‘sing real good’ at our game" Principal Cluggins
said. "Because we don’t want to hurt her feelings, we’re going
to let her sing, but we hired her because we saw a tape
Principal Cluggins said The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show had already been hired to play the half-time show, but that "Grandpa said she could sing a number with the band". But Cluggins said they are a bit weary about having her associate with the band in light of the band "giving her older sister Jessica all that moonshine a few years back when she was in town to sing the national anthem!" Jessica Simpson’s manager, who is also her father, told The Gazette that "Jessica only used the elixir to get rid of her chronic acne" |
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The
State Board of Education’s Sport’s Panel determined that Praters’s Creek
High School head football coach Dave Keller and his assistants were innocent
of giving their players steroids. Archival Irmo High’s coaching staff had
leveled accusations about Keller and his Polecat staff. Irmo’s head coach
had said “there’s no way them farm boys are getting that big and muscular
just off of eating Mama’s cooking! They got to be on steroids!” An
investigation was launched by the state school board. “We interviewed some
of the players” school board official James Weed explained, “And we did
extensive lab tests on the young men”.
The
Prater’s Creek High basketball team had to forfeit all of their home games
again this year because no team agreed to play on the Polecats’ home court.
The school is severely strapped for funds, and has never been able to build
a gymnasium. Principal Cluggins told the Gazette that “Being in a low income
farming town like Prater’s Creek, well, we just don’t have the money like
the other schools do”. Polecat basketball coach Lester “Treetop” Williams
said, "We tried to get the schools to at least come play on our outdoor
court if it was a warm
day, but they wouldn’t agree to it. So we had to forfeit half our schedule.”
But the Polecats managed to win all of
their
road games and finish at .500, and thus
qualify for the playoffs.
of
her dancing on Saturday Night Live and we liked the little jig she did. We
didn’t know she sang. Well she don’t really ‘sing’".