Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) You feel ready to move on to the next level. The planets are aligned. It’s time to move on up to the doublewide.

Pisces (Feb 19- March 20) What’s been offered to you in the past is no indication of what will be offered to you in the future. Good lord, you’re middle aged!

Aries (March 21-April 19) All bets are off! That person you’re in love with, and planned on marrying? They’re your cousin!

Taurus (April 20-May 20) The bull, charging at any red flag waved in front of it, snorting fire, while a full corrida yells “Ole-stra!” Stay in the yard today and let your lawnmower be the only Toro you tangle with.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Today you are to order all four Drovers Old Time Medicine Show CDs and a T-shirt! Listen to them loud. And the moonshine stain will come out of the shirt.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) If Cupid has been ignoring you lately, don’t get lonesome and blue. He might have something special in mind for you and there’s a chance today it may be your turn to be hit by one of his arrows. Either that or that booze hound that is gonna ask you out wants to play William Tell with you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Beware of strangers. If you don’t know ‘em, don’t sell ‘em anything. The might be a revenooer.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) The Moon and Mercury are having a barn dance, and Saturn spiked the punch. Today is like a beautiful waltz. Don’t forget to thank the fiddler.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) You’re attracted to danger. You like dating your Aries cousin!

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21) You’re sensitive, artistic, intelligent….No wait! You? There had to have been some mistake.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Today you will land the “Trophy Carp” of Life. Start cutting up the onions.