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Hillbilly Horoscopes

The Prater's Creek Gazette

12th Issue Winter 2006 Page #6


Astronomer CAPRICORN (Dec.22-Jan.19) You were born right around Christmas and always felt everybody lumped it together with your birthday. This year will be different. Everybody will forget both.

AQUARIUS (Jan.20-Feb.18) It is the dawning of Aquarius. Unfortunately, you’re in bed with the covers pulled over your head.

PISCES  (Feb.19-March20) Grab the prettiest girl on New Year’s Eve and give her a big ol’ kiss at midnight. Then run, because that’s the preacher’s teenage daughter.

ARIES (March21-April19) When you wake up Christmas morning and run downstairs you’ll find your husband in a rage because he can’t little Suzie’s bike together. Brew up a fresh pot of coffee and then you follow the assembly directions.

TAURUS (April20-May21) You will find romance in the Gazette dating service.

GEMINI (May22–June23) Cupid is on the loose! But hopefully the cops will pick him up before he does further damage.

CANCER (June22-July22) You will leave the office Christmas party hoping to goodness that your wife Faith Healer Addoesn’t hear about your shenanigans.

LEO  (July23-Aug.22) At one time during the hustle and bustle of the  season, you will hear a Christmas carol that takes you back to your childhood and your grandmother’s living room, listening to her Firestone Tire Christmas album. The happiest memory of the season you have.

VIRGO (Aug.23-Sept.22) Up on the rooftop click, click, click, Brian Urlacher sacks and pulverizes Michael Vick.

LIBRA (Sept.23-Oct.23)  Santa won’t leave you anything in that stocking hung on the chimney with care because he doesn’t wanna touch the sock you’ve worn on five hunting and three fishing trips without ever washing.

SCORPIO (Oct.24-Nov.21)  “Clouds so swift, the rain won’t lift, gate’s won’t close, the railing’s froze. Get your mind off the wintertime, ‘cause you ain’t goin’ nowhere

SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22-Dec.21) Christmas is the happiest time of year, but remember: Some assembly required and batteries are not included.

CryptoQuote

 The following is a quote by a famous orator. Each letter stands for another letter.

To get started we’ll give you a hint:  Good luck!

 

Xzxgu hmzx ulc kxog o gmdd zmsa, mw zxosq wkow qlzx osaxd’q ycqh alh lmq rmsaq

 

Idogxsix “Mh’q o Rusvxgjcd Dmjx”

 

Every time you hear a bell ring, it means that some angel's just got his wings.

Clarence in “It’s a Wonderful Life”


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