Lifestyles

Dear
Ramona

Dear Ramona,

My husband has been trying for years to be self employed. And he ain’t had a whole lot of success.

I love him dearly, but a lot of months we barely scrape by. I don’t want to ruin his dreams. What should I do?

“Perplexed in

Prater’s Creek”

Dear Perplexed,

Flossie Jenkins, you tell that no good husband of yours that guessing people’s weight at the fair every year ain’t no career! And it ain’t much of a dream either, hon.

Tell that lazy Henry Jenkins that Mengele Textiles has a sign on their fence saying they are hiring!!

Ramona

Dear Ramona,

One of them there head doctors over to the big city told me that I need to get in touch with my inner child. But I’m not allowed to talk to strangers. What should I do?

“Pickin’ and Grinnin’

Dear Pickin’,

Uncle Carl, you just take another big swig off of that jug and keep picking that five.

Ramona

 Child Labor Scam Uncovered

The Pickens County Sheriff’s office has uncovered a child labor camp in Prater’s Creek. Sheriff Roscoe B. Stone said that Bubba Garrison has been charged with five counts of violating child labor laws.

Mr. Garrison allegedly was using teenage boys to chop firewood for him. According to Sheriff Stone, Garrison had advertised that he had a summer camp for boys with “fishing, hiking, boating and the usual camp activities”. But upon arriving, the teens were handed an ax and told to “start chopping”. Half way through the second week, one of the boys escaped and went to the authorities with tales of fourteen hour workdays with no breaks and of being fed only “cornpone, hominy, and goat’s milk”.

The boy led the sheriff and his men back to Garrison’s place and the other boys were freed. Mr. Garrison was then placed under arrest. At first Garrison was charged with six counts, but the sheriff realized that one of the boys was Garrison’s son Zeke. Despite Zeke’s pleas of “free me too! I’m sick of doing chores and eating nothin’ but cornpone and hominy!” Sheriff stone said Zeke had to stay. “Bubba can’t work those other boys like a dog” Stone said, “but he can do what he wants with his own boy”.

Sheriff Stone told his deputies to “load this evidence up on my flatbed and carry it over to my house and stack it on the porch”.

Former Prater's Creek

Beauty Queen To Open Salon

She is known as the most beautiful woman to ever come out of Prater’s Creek. Linda Mae Smith Holcombe Caldwell Stewart Reynolds, Miss Polecat 1987, is moving back home to open her own beauty parlor.

Linda Mae has been living over in Spartanburg making a good living as a false teeth model. The former beauty queen, who brought upstate recognition to Prater’s Creek when she was fourth runner-up in 1987’s Tri-County Beauty Pageant and Pickling Contest, had had enough of big city living. "After my most recent divorce, it was my fourth you know, I decided to move back home" the former Miss Polecat said. "Now women who want to look as good as me can come in and let me work my magic on them too!"

Linda Mae said walk-ups are welcome.

Volunteer Fire Dept. To Hold BBQ Dinner

The Prater’s Creek Volunteer Fire Department will hold a BBQ dinner this Friday night at the fire station on Stewart Gin Road. Plates will be $6 for adults and $4 for children under twelve.

All proceeds will be going towards the purchase of a new fire truck. When asked how much money has been raised for the truck so far, Chief Flint McCalister said “Well, we did have a good bit raised but we lost it all betting on high school football”.

The B&B BBQ will provide the barbecue. Chief McCalister also said his band, Flint and The Flat Tops would perform after the dinner.

Empty TV Is Coming

To Prater's Creek

The popular show "The Real World" will be set in Prater's Creek this season according to officials from the Empty TV Network. "Yeah, we are going to have seven cast members live in an old farmhouse and be filmed twenty four hours a day" said network official Richard Mitchell. When asked "Why Prater's Creek?", Hunter replied " Well, with all the alcoholics we have had on the show, we figured Prater's Creek with all it's moonshine was perfect".

Simple Life 2 Cancelled

The Skunk Network has cancelled popular television show The Simple Life because of an illicit video tape circulating and the bad publicity it raised. Skunk spokesperson Carly Johnson said Tuesday "We at the Skunk Network regret having Paris and Nicole stay with The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show on their farm. And we may bring charges against Clovis". Clovis could be reached for comment, but nobody could understand what he was saying.

Local Musician To Star In Reality Show

Clovis of The Drovers Old Time Medicine Show will be the star of a new reality television show, "Who Wants To Marry A Drover?". Twenty four beautiful coeds from Clemson University will be vying to tie the knot with the washboard giant. "We pitched the idea to those idiots at Skunk" explained Grandpa, "And them varmints went for it!"

Gazette To Honor Couple

The Prater's Creek Gazette wants to honor Randal and Sarah Vaughn. They met at a Drovers Old Time Medicine Show performance at Tiger Town Tavern on April 4th 1990. They soon got married and now have two beautiful children, Dillon and Colton.